Mail Call
by Red Witch
Summary: The Misfits find out what crazy stuff the XMen sometimes get in the mail, which is nothing compared to what they have to go through to get it.


**What's in the mail? Bills, bills…A disclaimer saying I don't own any X-Men or GI Joe characters…more bills…Ugh. Well hopefully this silly little fic will put a smile on someone's face. I hope. **

**Mail Call**

"Okay I don't smell anything fishy and the scanner turned up negative," Logan was going over the trucks with a scanner. "But just to be safe we should to an X-Ray."

"I've already secured the perimeter," Rina told him.

"Hey you two!" Roadblock called out as he and Shipwreck walked up to them. "What's new?"

"Well for the most part," Rina groaned.

"Those two don't count," Logan sighed.

"Okay what are you guys doing with these UPS trucks?" Shipwreck asked. "And why is Jean using a hand held metal detector on the drivers?"

"Because every time one of us uses it the stupid thing keeps going off," Logan grumbled. "Metal bones you know?"

"Yeah but why?" Shipwreck asked.

"The same reason you military guys check things out," Logan told them. "Security."

"Yeah but five UPS trucks?" Roadblock asked. "What gives?"

"It's because of increased anti-mutant hostility, not to mention the increased amount of lawsuits," Rina explained.

"Which mean we now get ninety percent of our shopping done by using catalogs and the internet," Jean told them as she walked over. "All done. They're clean."

"Has anyone actually put a bomb or anything in your mail?" Shipwreck asked.

"No, but I wouldn't put it past 'em," Logan grumbled.

"You should see what we go through for the weekly groceries," Jean groaned.

"You do this **every day?"** Roadblock asked. "And the drivers think it's okay?"

"Some of them **insist **on it," Rina said. "Besides they only deliver packages once a week. These procedures make them feel safer as well."

"I can see that," Shipwreck looked over her shoulder. "Well that explains what Colossus is doing."

"RAR! RAR! RAR! RAR!" Penny was straining against a harness on her body with a chain leash on it. Peter in his metal form was holding onto her with all his might.

"Down Penny! Down girl!" Peter held onto her. "Down! No shredding the nice people!"

"I thought you would just lock her up in her room," Roadblock remarked.

"We tried that," Logan sighed. "She got out somehow and literally scared this one guy out of his shorts. So now we keep her held down in sight so she doesn't sneak up on anyone."

"Okay we're clear," Rina called out. "Start unloading the vehicles…"

"RRRRARRRRR!" Penny yelped happily as the leash slid from Peter's hands.

"NO PENNY! NO! COME BACK HERE!" Peter yelled as he chased Penny as she chased the drivers all over the lawn. "NO! BAD PENANCE! BAD PENANCE! NO BITING THE DRIVER'S LEGS!"

"Not again!" Jean groaned. "Logan, I'm going to need your help."

"Right," Logan groaned. "X23 GET THE NET!"

Thirty minutes and several bribes and bandages later…

"Just once…Just **once** I'd like to have the mail delivered without us paying a fortune for it," Logan grumbled as he walked in the foyer. There were a huge amount of packages in the foyer.

"I take it Penance made friends in her usual way?" Hank sighed.

"And how," Todd snickered. The Misfits were in the hallway along with all the X-Men. "We got the whole thing on film!"  
"Do you maincs **have** to be here?" Kitty asked.

"No," Pietro said as he filed his nails. "We were going to do homework but then we decided, what the hey? This is a **lot** more entertaining."

"All right settle down!" Logan barked. "You know the drill! Just stand down and shut up and listen for your name. All right! Let's get this started. Packages first. The first box is a package from Hot Topic."

"That's for us," Rogue called out. Risty was next to her.

"No surprises there," Logan sighed as he handed her a box. Then he looked at a huge pile of boxes. "We got sixteen boxes from Macy's. Ten from Lord and Taylor. Six from Bloomingdale's. Three from Coldwater Creek. Two from Land's End. Two from Talbot's. And five from some clothing stores I never **heard **of. Kitty, Jubilee I take it all of these are **yours?"**

"Actually I ordered a few things too," Jean coughed.

"So did I," Amara admitted.

"Me too," Tabitha said.

"I got one or two things," Rina said. Logan gave her a look. "They were on sale!"

"Yeah Jubilee's got **you** trained," Logan grumbled.

"I got a top too," Rogue admitted.

"Actually nearly all of the females did Logan," Ororo admitted. "Including myself. And one of the boys."

"They have a very accommodating big and tall section," Hank sniffed.

"Why don't we put those to the side?" Logan grumbled. "You can tear them apart later. I got an order from Amazon here for Roberto."

"Book about soccer I ordered," Roberto got it.

"Rahne you got a package from Moira from Muir Island," Logan handed one out.

"My cookies!" Rahne said excitedly. "And if anyone makes one **crack **about dog biscuits like they did last week they'll get it worse than Berserker!"

"That reminds me, Crisp you got some more pain medication from the pharmacy," Logan said looking at another box.

"Yay…" Ray said weakly. He was in a wheelchair and in a neck brace.

"Twinkie of the Month Club?" Logan looked at the package in his hands.  
"Ahem," Hank took the package.

"Beakers Bunsen Burners," Logan looked at a package marked fragile.

"That's mine too," Hank said.

Logan read another label. "Head and Shoulders? What is this?"

"It's shampoo," Hank said in as dignified a voice as he could muster.

"I see that," Logan grimaced.

"You order dandruff shampoo by the **case?"** Roadblock asked.

"Like I'm the **only **one who uses it," Hank grunted.

People looked at Kurt. "Look! I'm a furry teenager! I don't have acne! I have dandruff! Deal with it!"

"Here's one from the local pet store," Logan looked at a large package. "Birdbath in a Bottle? What is this?"

"It helps clean my wings," Warren grabbed it. "Don't ask."

"I wasn't planning on it," Logan winced. "Okay Beast I'm assuming this case of flea powder is for you? Or is it for the Elf?"

"Or Rahne…" Ray giggled. Rahne hit him in the arm. "OWWWW!"

"Don't look at us," Hank blinked.

"Uh actually it's for me," Tim coughed. "Kind of have a slight infestation in my closet."

"Oh great!" Logan groaned. "Somebody call the exterminator!"

"Toad!" Everyone shouted.

"I'm on my way!" Todd happily hopped up the steps.

"For crying out loud," Logan grumbled. "No wonder Xavier's credit card bills are larger than the national debt of Paraguay!"

"I hate to say this Logan but the majority of these purchases are legitimate expenses," Xavier sighed as he wheeled up. He looked at Hank. "With the possible exception of the Twinkie of the Month Club."

"I need a sugar fix every now and then," Hank gave him a look. "Besides I'm not the one who orders expensive suits from England!"

"Hey! Don't get on the Professor's case about it!" Kitty defended. "As the head of the Institute he has too look good."

"You made some kind of deal with the girls didn't you?" Logan gave him a look. "What some kind of they can buy their stuff so you can buy your stuff?"

"Logan you know with all the things that go on in our lives our clothes do take a lot of damage," Amara protested. "You know they get stained or ripped…"

"Or shredded," Peter grumbled as he staggered in. His clothes were shredded.

"Or blown up, burned…" Tabitha counted off the ways. "Eaten…"

"Wrecked by one of Forge's machines," Jubilee added.

"Stolen," Rogue glared at the Misfits.

"For the last time I did **not** take your stupid sweater," Wanda growled.

"No, but I think you know **who** did," Rogue glared at Trinity.

"Wasn't us," Daria shook her head.

"Yeah they only steal **guy's** clothes," Kitty agreed.

"Which explains this huge box of men's underwear here," Logan groaned as he looked at another package.

"Boxers or briefs?" Tabitha asked.

"Never mind!" Logan snapped.

"This is almost as fun as watching Saturday morning cartoons," Fred snickered.

"Bigfoot Shoes?" Logan read the next package. "Do I have to ask if these are yours, Beast?"

"I have large feet! Sue me!" Hank took the package.

"Muffin of the Month Club?" Logan blinked. Hank held out his hand. "You have got to be kidding me?"

"Kitty got me hooked on it," Hank admitted.

"They do taste nice and they give me ideas for new recipes," Kitty said.

"So **that's** where you got your inspiration for the strawberry jalapeño ones?" Betsy remarked.

"Which reminds me, have our antacids arrived yet?" Scott asked.

"I think they're on back order," Jean said.

"Nerd Stuff Dot Com?" Logan read another one.

"Oooh! My solar calculator slash date book slash computerized recipe book!" Hank said.

"What do you **do **Beast?" Logan asked. "Go around and order from the weirdest catalogs in the world?"

"Is there anything in there that's **not **Mr. McCoy's?" Sam asked.

"Well here's a package from Victoria's Secret," Logan looked at one. "Unless there's something you'd like to tell us, Beast?"

"Uhh…" Hank coughed.

"WHAT THE….THIS IS **YOURS?**" Logan yelled.

"WHAT?" The X-Men shouted.

"Ooh it's getting good now!" Todd laughed.

"It's always the ones you least suspect," Pyro shook his head.

"IT'S **NOT **WHAT YOU THINK!" Hank took the package and opened it up. "I ordered some candles! See!"

"You ordered candles from Victoria's Secret?" Logan's jaw dropped.

"And some scented sachets for my linen drawer," Hank admitted. "I like the smell."

"Beast we have got to find you some new hobbies," Logan groaned.

"Man you guys get some weird stuff in the mail," Lance snickered.

"I'm amazed you guys didn't use our address to order stuff," Scott asked.

"Well none of the kids do," Spyder said.

"You really think we'd be stupid enough to let you guys see some of the stuff we order?" Daria gave them a look.

"Especially the stuff sent by the World Domination Catalog," Lance groaned. Scott gave him a look. "Don't ask! You don't want to know the stuff Trinity orders."

"Or the stuff from the Farm Catalog," Wanda gave Fred a look. "Or the Chocolate Insect Catalog." She glared at both Roadblock and Todd.

"But they're really good," Todd said.

"Made from the finest Belgian chocolates and the tastiest insects from the rainforest," Roadblock agreed. "Only a true gourmet would appreciate these."

"That's one word for it," Xavier winced.

"And you were questioning **my** tastes in sweets?" Hank gave Logan a look.

"Kind of makes our mail look kind of tame doesn't it?" Jean agreed.

"Hey what are these?" Sam looked at one of the books. "Black Cauldron Publishing? Are these books?"

"I don't remember ordering any textbooks," Xavier blinked.

"They're not textbooks!" Pyro squealed. "They're copies of my latest novel! Mutant Vampire Love Festival!"

"Mutant…Vampire…**Love Festival?"** Logan gave him a look.

"Yeah, it's a fun fantasy romantic romp as a gang of mutants and a gang of vampires accidentally meet at an apple picking festival and it's filled with romantic complications, secret trysts in the apple orchards," Pyro counted off. "Mistaken identity and a few misplaced severed heads and a giant robot gone mad! All the things a great romantic comedy needs!"

"Please tell me that none of the characters and events are based on us and a few Danger Room training sessions gone wrong," Hank groaned.

"Okay I won't tell you," Pyro blinked. "Even though they are."

"He tells us anyway," Logan groaned.

"And Beast, there's that signed copy you wanted," Pyro pointed to a package. "The character of Count Animus, the lonely vampire mutant cross breed with a fetish for whipped cream and Twinkies is based on you as you requested."

Everyone looked at Hank. "Perhaps I have perused one or two of his prose works," He admitted sheepishly. "And found them rather well written and stimulating."

"Hank I said it before and I will say it again…We have got to get you out of the lab more often and get some **real **hobbies!" Logan groaned.

"This is getting good," Fred chuckled. "You taking this down Toad?"

"Oh yeah," Todd nodded as he wrote on a piece of paper. "We've got enough material to keep us entertained for **months!"**

"Speaking of entertained…" Wanda looked behind her.

"Rarr! Rarr! Rarr!" Penny bounded along with a green sweater in her teeth, slightly rolled up in a ball. She batted it with her sharp hands.

"Rogue, I believe that is the sweater you've been looking for," Hank coughed.

"PENNY COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE PINK MANIAC!" Rogue screamed as she chased after her.

"That's the fifth sweater she's gotten into this week," Jean groaned. "She shredded one of mine yesterday."

"Got two of mine," Kitty nodded.

"She seemed to enjoy what I had to offer in my closet as well," Xavier sighed. "No wonder we go through so many clothes…And lawsuits."


End file.
